yay, I'm happy you guys finally got them. I sent them out on Monday.. hopefully they're still good *grins*

amy you kick butt, you gave us chocolate and cookies which are delicious by the way. thank you thank you thank you. did i meantion that you rule?

i think they forgot about flunk day this year.

Truth is everytime I log on to this blog I want to delete the entry because I'm not completely comfortable with it. I know it doesn't matter though. Just gives y'all a little more insight into where my opinions come from, I guess. It's funny, I still don't know how to answer when people ask me what my mom does. It was much easier when I was little and better at making things up. I know that it's ok not to tell people the truth when it comes to this, but I also know that I can't continue to believe my untruths. I don't know if I'm making a lot of sense, I'm sure everybody has their family secrets... it's just overwhelming because they've been my family's MO for so long. Thanks for letting me vent. : ) Isn't that what the blog is for, though? I miss you too.

I do have one question. Where the hell is Flunk Day people? This is spring term for you, right?

wow amy. i am gratefull to know that you can share with us. i miss you being around.

Thanks Zach. Mom's doing much better today and she said I can go with her to the psychiartrist next week and talk to him

You'll laugh at me for saying this, but you're one of the strongest people I know Amy.

It's my mom. I don't know where to start. She needs help and no one knows how to help her. My dad is beyond frustration. If he doesn't know what to do, how can I? Mom and Dad are watching "Everybody Loves Raymond" now. We're probably going to be up all night on suicide watch. Neither one of us wants to say it, we don't have to. Her schedule of sleeping all day and eating or watching t.v or crying or all three all night is taking it's toll on my dad. It's nothing new, but when it peaks it's scary. I don't know what to think. My mom seems to be taking baby steps forward while simultaneously falling backwards into her comfortable abyss. It's wrenching to watch and must be pure hell for her. The good things my Mom has done includes finding a psychologist, who Dad grows more distrustful of after every visit. She has selective hearing. She hears agoraphobia, chemical imbalance, and anxiety, but does she hear that psychological disorders can be overcome? Does she hear that it will be hard and that she will need support and there will be people who will help her-- people who might not have helped her before? Is she choosing not to hear this? Or has the psychologist not told her that? I want to scream I want pull out my hair no, I want to pull out the hair of every one of her fucking psychiatrists who promise her a pill named better. They don't care about her; they are certified drug dealers who care nothing about the person. How could we allow this to happen? Why do these people still have their licenses? My mom has been on many drugs. She has been taking neurontin for more than 10 years. My mom has mouth and throat ulcers, no doctor had an explanation. My dad looked it up on the Mayo Clinic and lo and behold long term exposure to neurontin causes ulcers of the mouth. My mom mentioned it to the psychologist and his response was that "anyone can put up a website." Going to a psychologist is bittersweet on the one hand she needs the love and attention of psychotherapy, on the other hand what if he tells her something that is false? I was talking to my mom about going to see him before her first visit and she said, "I'm going to see a psychologist to see if I can get better. To see if he thinks I can get better?" She is putting a lot of stock into this son of a bitch, so he better not say the wrong thing. I don't think he does though, I think Mom picks and chooses what to believe and says a lot of things to make my Dad angry, like the website thing.


My parents do much talking and little doing. Actually, dad does a lot of yelling and my mom does a lot of crying. Me, I've done a lot of both. It's viscious cycle, but I'd like to think I'm breaking free of it. The night before last was the worst it's been in a long time. Dad read off what he found on the website to me about neurontin. I started to say that it didn't matter, that she is dependant on the drugs and that her disorder is psychological and proof won't make her stop taking something that is making her situation worse. But all he heard was my distain he wasn't listening and was on the defense, so he got in my face.. I like to call them tantrums, but they're really quite scary if you don't have the balls to stand with him. He got defensive hastefully well it's over now, no harm done. But I cried and yelled and said a whole bunch of shit about listening and that the problem we have in this family is that we don't listen to each other. We are judgemental and we are all guilty and I wish that I could take it back, or make them see, but I can't. Then the most amazing thing happened. I shut up and I listened to my mom. I listened and empatheized with what she said. I can't repeat much of what she said because that would not be fair to her, but even though I knew it was all there I needed to open my ears to her hurt.

Do not think that I expect to much of my mom. Perhaps, I did push her to hard this week and she's reacting against it, that's ok you'll have that, but it's the itty bitty steps that matter. She needs to get out. You and I could probably count the times my mom has been out, including visits to the doctor this past year, on our hands. I know what it is like to have a mother who is alive and that I am grateful for, but I do not have the luxary of knowing what is like to have a mother who lives. My mom has been stagnating or perhaps regressing for over 15 years, so I don't believe that the small steps she takes are not enough. My mom has made a list of things that she wants to do, I can help her with two exceptions (which are personal and invlove someone else). But there is the bigger picture, of which my dad told me tonight not to get involved in. "Get out of here Amy," he said "It will consume you and it will destroy you." Maybe if I was at a different point in my life I would have believed him. Actually I paritally believe him. I know it is possible to get on with my life and let this consume me. My mom's wellness will be my next project. My mom is good, she knows how to play the game, but she forgets that I play it too. It's hard because she does not trust my suggestions or opinons because I am only a child, but that will not stop me. Before I do anything I have to convince her to let me talk with her psychiatrist. I need to know what he tells her and what he thinks of her... if he thinks of her at all. We need to work together shrinkidink, mom and I. I need her to know that I'm on her side and that I want her to be happy. I have selfish reasons too, I couldn't live without her.

Back to what I was saying about talking.. as you can see I am doing it right now, but once I get out of this house with it, it will be much better. Some thoughts my dad has been kicking around in his head include: renting an apartment in Florida with her for a couple of months to get out of this damned place, leaving my mom physically and just supporting her financially from afar, finding a residential treatment facility where she can detox, finding a lawyer so he can sue the doctors that keep prescribing the medication that she abuses and so he can afford a residental treatment facility. I don't think my dad will leave or find a lawyer that would take on something that is 50 percent our fault. He can't get her into a residental treatment facility, believe me he's tried, but like I said before she's good. What we need is someone to help us, someone who can put responsiblity where responsibility is due without placing blame and with Mom's best interest in mind. This monster that has sunk it's teeth into my family for too long, longer than I have been around and I don't want to be helpless to it any more. There are so many ifs... If my Mom was not an adult that could feign sound mind when convienent... If my dad had intervened sooner... If my Mom wanted to stop abusing her medicine... If my dad did not have to pay for my education... If my dad did not have to support Vicki and Alex... If my mom did get a check every month for disibility.... If the doctors knew what a threat she is to herself... and If she didn't lie... If I would have been uncruel... If depression wasn't so comfortable for her.. So many ifs I can't make appear or disappear. It's hard not to feel guilty it's even harder now to let her be or rather not be.

I've written so much and I still feel so helpless.

My mom told me a story that sums it up. Awhile ago Alex and Mom were laying together on the bed and talking. Alex, wanting to help my mom said "Grandma you know what we're going to do? We'll go for a walk tomorrow after school. I'll just take you around the block." To which my Mom said, "Oh Alex, isn't that nice... but I can't" When asked why she replied, "Because then all the neighbors will know that I'm not depressed." Our Alex thought about it for a bit and then replied, "Well, then we'll write a letter that tells everyone you're depressed and put it on every door so when we walk every one will know." My mom laughs when she tells this story because she thinks it's the cutest thing in the world. Despite it's brilliance, I laugh because I don't know what else to do.