Too lazy to figure out how long I’ve been in Chicago probably for week or so now, and I still haven't figured anything out. Being away from Knox gets easier every day and while I miss y'all, I do not regret leaving. Right now, I am temporarily working for this shady "management resource company.” You know those bank statements you get every week? I along with about 10 elderly and illegal women stuff those statements into envelopes. I work two weeks out of the month and make almost double the hourly wage I was making at Knox. I'm not proud of the monotonous work, but it's decent dishonest work, despite my paper cut wounds. I've had much time to think and much to think about and yet I haven't arrived at any salient conclusions. The truth of the matter is that I have several good options. I am just idealistic and indecisive. Many things interest me and I can’t choose one. If I want to make changes, I have to stop worrying and start doing. I have never been good at setting goals and making plans, most of the time I feel like my experiences have been the result of trying, sprinkled with a. luck or b. being liked and not due to any grand scheme involving ability or talent. All my grand schemes end in failure.

Ok so here are my options 1.) come back to Knox hahaha yeah right, I'd rather have my eyes pecked out by vultures (although my dad greets me practically every morning with "Good morning want me to drive you back to school") Oh boy.

I was accepted to Northern as a political science- global studies major, my second choice, because psychology was full. The benefits are: I'd be away from home, I love international relations and I'm only an 1 1/2 away from Knox and Chicago. However, I do enjoy psychology and there is a need for school psychologists-- and Northern has a great program that I wasn’t accepted to. I want to eventually work with an NGO, but it doesn't necessarily have to be an international one. Also, there is the whole issue of money, while Northern is chump change compared to Knox the cost of living will put a dent in my pocketbook. I save more money in Chicago. My second option is to go to Northeastern, which is a university, but the only thing it's good for is teaching and possibly psychology at the graduate level. I do not want to be a teacher. Yes, helping kids is very rewarding, but like parenting, the overwhelming potential to fuck them up more terrifies me. Northern is extremely cheap, around $4,000 a year and if I were to become a teacher (with the stipulation that I teach in an "at risk" school for a few years) The Man will pay my loans and give me a meager stipend while I'm in school. However, if I change my mind somewhere along the way, I doubt a degree from Northeastern could get me into a grad school. On the other hand, that doubt could just be a result of Knox's brainwashing. My third option is to go to UIC, which is a factory, but I will be able to get a psych diploma at a low cost. I'm just concerned that I will have to spend a good four more years in college meeting all the shitty requirements. But, I guess if I like the school, four or five extra terms is a privilege. Add to this work. I have a good chance of getting a job as a liner for the Chicago Emergency Relief Fund, referring people to social services they provide. I'm also giving my app to an adolescent mental health hospital for a night-shift opening (Wouldn’t that be funny, smells like reaction formation to me!)

Sigh, I don't know. I don't like to think that I am depressed, but I know that I am. It seems like I have all these grandiose visions, but when they don't come thorough I either blame myself when the circumstances aren't my fault or I blame some external perpetrator when the circumstances are really my fault. I don't have the wisdom to recognize the difference until I am confronted with it much later, when I should have moved on. Another unhealthy thing that I am presently doing is still holding on to the notion that my relationship with Bastian can still be worked out. I'm not sure if I know what love is anymore (thanks a lot pete jk ; p ), but I know that I have given Sean something that that no word in my vocabulary can describe. (Yeah, it's cliche. too bad) If it could be seen it would look like dawn or perhaps dusk because there is purity and salience between the erratic haze of shuttering light. But, the dawn is there for everyone and what I am describing is something that I have shared with no one. I do not feel whole and it aches. My mistakes are not smudges that can be wiped away. Neither can my feelings for Sean. I cannot take anything back; I can only learn and grow. I don't seem to be doing well at either, but maybe it's too soon. You can't will the sun to rise and you can't stop it from setting. In the end we both ran away--- he ran emotionally--- I ran physically. It's over. I don't want to accept that it is because I don't want to deny that I am still in lo..... I wish there was something I could tell him, but I'll only fuck it up more "it's too soon and this is for the best" or something. So my eternal mantra is, “Move On! Move On! Move On. : ( Sigh. Swollow it up and let it digest. Hmm maybe with the help of a Rolaid, perhaps.

Yummers. I'm going to go eat the leftover Chinese food I made and read a book.

Well it was good talking to you.
I know it's crunch time, so good luck on finals.
(Plan on meeting with Dean Bailey during Spring Break and was thinking of coming down finals weekend to see you guys before you go off to your respective Spring Break destinations)

UP with Blog stop neglecting it peeps!